Struggling with the Disease

„Don’t look at me like this!” Shouted a slim, beaten boy with eyes as wide as dimes to a blonde woman standing in front of him. His face looked fierce, the complete opposite of his posture.

„I am sorry…” The blond whined, tears swelling in her eyes. „Sorry, but I can’t do it any longer, you know, I can’t handle it!” She cried for good.

„You promised me! You told me that you love me, and won’t leave me. You talked nonsense, complete bullshit!” Screamed the boy. The blonde jumped up hearing his last words.

„You know that I was trying to…” She tried to speak quiet. „But your behavior, your accusations… I just didn’t manage…” She was explaining herself. Tears were still rolling down her cheeks.

„You know that it’s not me, don’t you? It’s my disease. I told you at the very beginning.” His voice became suddenly softer. Tender. That’s what she was afraid of and hated at the same time. His changeability, unpredictability, impetuosity mixed with tenderness, he was just turning hot and cold. She was exhausted, psychologically and emotionally. She didn’t have strength to settle groundless disputes.

He was right. He made no secret of his disease from the very beginning. Even though all psychological conditions were like a black magic to her, she accepted him. That was what she thought at least. Perhaps she was naive thinking that love shall endure all obstacles? And deep in her soul she believed that if she loves him strong enough, he will recover. Now she wasn’t so sure of it. She had extreme feelings. She felt as if she was living with a complete stranger. She begun to doubt whether she had felt anything more than pure attraction to him.

„I want to stay friends with you.” She uttered, although she knew perfectly how desperately it sounded.

„You found someone! I knew it!” He pressed his lips again. „Who is it, God dammit? It’s Daniel, isn’t it? Yeah, it must be him! I saw the way he looks at you!”

„Maciek, cut this crap! It’s an absurd! I don’t cheat on you with anybody! How could you even think about something like this? Can’t you see? You’re accusing me of things I didn’t do. I’m fed up with it! I cannot change your condition. Even if I remain close to you 24 hours a day, you will always find some twisted proof of my infidelity.” She burst out, feeling that she is imploding and each attack is invoking her deeper disgust.

„I will not stand on your way. I will go and jump off the bridge. You’ll see, you’ll regret this!” He sprung up and dashed to the door. She wasn’t sure if she should run after him or let him do something foolish. She felt blackmailed. But she was also aware that when he flies into rage he is capable of everything. She felt cold sweat on her skin. Several minutes passed before she run out of the apartment.

She was knocked by cold and drizzle. She didn’t put on any warmer clothes, even shoes. She run along a rat run towards the bridge. She was driven by her emotions.

She run close to a local pub, when she caught a sight of the familiar silhouette. She stopped dead. Maciek was sitting by the bar, drinking his beer as if nothing had happened. He laughed and shown something to the bartender.

She went inside. She had an impression that her heart will be plucked outside. She felt nauseous.

„Maciek!” She screamed, angry and confused at the same time.

„Oh, you’re here Honey!” He screamed joyfully, and calmly went over to her, holding the beer in his hand.” Sit down, let’s chat. You know that I talk nonsense when I am pissed off. One beer, and I am over. I love you, you know? Everything will be fine. I promise, this time I will be taking medicines regularly, attend to therapy. Make a wish and I will make it happen! Why are you standing like this? „Maciek was delivering his monologue, raising the beer jug and looking at the bartender. „The same thing again!” He smiled at him.

„It’s over.” The girl was so dumbstruck that she could only utter these words. She was completely drained off energy. When she went out of the bar, she headed for her parents’ house instead of their own apartment. She didn’t even feel that droplets of rain are mixing with her tears. She never felt as cheated as today, and she knew that she was cheating herself.

When she crossed the bridge where he was supposed to commit a suicide, she stood at the middle of it and looked down.

„Goodby”. She whispered. „Honey”. She added tartly and throw the ring directly to the frothed water.

„Women, you know.” Maciek said to the bartender. „She will come back to me anyway.” He added contented and sipped a large gulp of a bitter drink.

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